


Four Things Dean Hates About Himself + One He Doesn’t

by randomfandomstuff



Series: Four Things TFW Hates About Themselves + One They Don't [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Dean Winchester - Freeform, Destiel - Freeform, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, canon!verse, castiel - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-05
Updated: 2016-08-05
Packaged: 2018-07-29 13:46:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7686910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/randomfandomstuff/pseuds/randomfandomstuff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Follow me on <a href="http://randomfandomstuff.tumblr.com">Tumblr</a></p></blockquote>





	Four Things Dean Hates About Himself + One He Doesn’t

1.  
Dean has a fight with Sam. He hates it, hates seeing anger on Sam’s face, hates to be the reason to upset him. He hates that Sam leaves being angry to him because he can never know if he is off to do something stupid like clearing out a vamp nest all by himself. He also hates that he prays to Cas and doesn’t tell him to go look after Sam because he’s selfish and needs Cas to be with him. He hates that he asks the angel to stay with him but almost forgets how much he hates himself when he is curling up against Cas’ body that night. 

2.  
Dean hates seeing someone die. He hates to see the blood on the floor and on his shirt but most of all he hates himself for letting the body slip on the floor from his arms because he couldn’t save her.  
Cas is there. He comforts him, says that it isn’t Dean’s fault. Sometimes everyone just can’t be saved despite how hard one tries. Dean tries hard, he always does. He knows it, Cas knows it. He lets Cas hug him, not even complaining that he’s getting blood all over Cas’ coat. Dean lets the angel comfort him because he’s selfish and it’s the only thing that makes him feel better. Cas is the only one who can make him almost believe that the soothing words the angel whispers against his neck are true.

3.  
Sometimes Dean just collapses. Sometimes everything is just too much and he can’t bare it. The weight on his shoulders makes him feel like he can’t breathe. All the lives that had ended because of him, all the hurting words that he seeds around him when he’s angry, all the pain he has caused to people he loves... He hates it, hates sitting on the floor, crying, back against the wall, banging his head against it and hoping it would make him feel better. He hates it, but he needs it. He needs to let the tears fall to feel better again. Cas tells him that when he sits next to him on that floor. He tells Dean that sometimes he feels like that too and it’s not a sign of weakness, it’s a sing of being human. That coming from a person who isn’t human at all doesn’t seem like much, but Dean knows that Cas is a human in every way it matters.

4.  
Dean hates when he’s needy. All his life he has tried to be selfless, putting Sam’s needs before his, sacrificing himself for Sam and for the world. He feels good when he does that, it feels right like it’s his purpose. When he finally wants something for himself he feels bad. He feels bad when he drinks beer and eats pie when there is monsters killing people somewhere at the very moment he sits in the restaurant.  
Cas says that wanting something for himself isn’t a bad thing. He tells that is the thing that makes him a human instead of the soldier his father created him to be. When Dean finally exceeds his fears and says that he needs Cas, wants him, Cas doesn’t fly away like he thought he would. Instead Cas stays and kisses him.  
Cas says he loves when Dean is needy. Dean doesn’t believe him, not at first. When Cas starts to kiss him, touch him, pin Dean under him and feel him with every inch of his body, Dean realizes Cas is needy too. Needy for Dean. 

+1  
Cas whispers compliments to Dean’s ear when he thinks Dean is asleep. Dean tries to stay still to pretend he’s asleep just to hear Cas’ voice against his ear. It makes him feel safe, allows him to fall asleep without reaching for his gun under his pillow. When the angel runs out of words, he continues in Enochian. Dean can’t make any sense of it, but it sounds beautiful. Like a lullaby, it lulls him to sleep.  
Sometimes the compliments Cas whispers make Dean blush, even feel guilty, because he doesn’t identify them to describe him. When the angel repeats them night after night, Dean starts wanting to be the person Cas thinks he is. He tries to make the kind choice instead of the smart one. He tries to be brave when it’s needed. He tries not to hurt people. At some point he realizes maybe he has done that all along, even without knowingly trying. Maybe there is some truth in Cas’ words. Suddenly, Dean doesn’t hate himself that much.  
Next time Dean sees Cas, he kisses him out of breath. Cas looks surprised because usually they don’t act like that outside the bunker. Dean doesn’t care and he’s never going to hold back showing his feelings for Cas again because he can’t believe how lucky he is to have someone who sees the good in him when he doesn’t. For once, Dean feels like he is doing something right in his life.  
And he loves it.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on [Tumblr](http://randomfandomstuff.tumblr.com)


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